


Oh, the agony

by Keeryd



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Blood and Gore, Crying, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Graphic Description, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide, mind the tags please
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:47:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22669534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keeryd/pseuds/Keeryd
Summary: [TW/Suicide]Pearl is trying to deal with another loss, only this one hurts more, much more, than the last one.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s), Pearl & Steven Universe
Comments: 23
Kudos: 163





	Oh, the agony

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, have I already told ya that I'm a sucker for hurt without comfort and angst? Anyway, enjoy.

She is the one who finds him, the first to see what would be the beginning of the end of yet another era, the shortest in the history of gems. But that is not what matters, the Gem Empire can go to hell for her, everything can rot if it was her choice.

She wonders if it was a matter of fate, something written, the fact that she was the first to see him like that. But no, she knows that if destiny was something real, if the future was set in stone, he wouldn't have ended up that way, he would still be there, destiny would have given him something better than that, much, much better, a bright and magnificent future.

And a long life.

And that's how one morning everyone thought it would be like any other, she's the one who finds him in the bathroom.

She remembers that morning in detail and perfection. The winter was beginning to dissipate, the weather was nice and there was no snow, but there were gray clouds and a blizzard that could give a chill in the back to humans, but it was nice. Pearl had left the Temple earlier than usual, she hoped to surprise Steven with a good breakfast, thinking it would be a good idea, something low in fat and nutritious, just as she liked to prepare food and he had been eating it for some time.

The house was quieter than usual, though. Mostly Steven tended to snore, it wasn't loud, but it felt like he was there. And that was one of the many small differences she had noticed.

Something felt different, but the feeling had been forgotten as soon as she started cooking, the smell of the food would have to wake him up and then she would say "Good morning, Steven", he would smile, say good morning as well and thank her for breakfast with a smile. 

That never happened, even after a few long minutes with the breakfast already made and put on the table, Steven never came down from his room, which was strange, Steven _always_ came down, even though his appetite was not as big as a few years ago, he never refused a breakfast.

So she decided to go up to his room and wake him up to tell him that breakfast was ready and that he could come down, by the time she went upstairs and was right in the entrance to his room, she noticed that Steven was not there, but all his things were, his cell phone was on his nightstand as well as the keys to the Dondai, even his loyal pink varsity jacket was hanging on a rack in one of the corners of the room. The room was also cleaner than usual, as if no one had slept there that night, not counting the cups of tea on the nightstand, anyway.

If all that was there, it meant that Steven was still in the house, _in the bathroom, perhaps,_ Pearl thought to herself, going down the stairs quietly, there was no hurry more than breakfast getting cold, but it was nothing that couldn't be _fixed_.

One could only hear her footsteps through the wood, it was creaking over and over again at the weight.

When she reached the bathroom door, she knocked gently, but loudly enough to make herself noticed.

"Steven, are you there? I made you breakfast, it's still hot but not for long, dear," she says, but no one answered. So, she can hear the sink faucet dripping, Steven probably hadn't closed it properly. "Steven?" she asks once more, without any answer. That's when Pearl decides to go in, only to end up noticing that the door was locked.

There was a little feeling forming, uncomfortably, in her chest.

Pearl could force the door open and find one of two things, either nothing inside and close the faucet, or find Steven inside, perhaps asleep, then the noise would wake him up and he would be a little angry with her.

Still, she decided to open the door. No one had prepared her for a third option.

"Steven, I'm coming in, if you're there, answer me" she says one last time, and again, she has no answer. Breakfast remains, already cold, still on the table. Pearl turned the doorknob a little harder, hearing a crack moments later.

And then she opened the door.

Pearl didn't need to breathe, but still she felt that she was short of breath, and as everything around her began to become cloudy at the scene in front of her, the smell inside the bathroom was nauseating, and although she had no food inside her, she felt a visceral need to throw up, which she didn't do, and she knew perfectly well that she was crying by then before a scream left her mouth.

It's loud, from the depths of her being, and she knows she screamed even if she doesn't remember the sound of it. She also remembers falling to her knees on the ground, but not the hit.

He's there, and the scene breaks something inside her that she knows she can never, ever fix.

He is there, but not really, his body is sitting inside the tub, full of water tinted a sickly red colour, his back against it, there is an arm leaning over one of the edges of the tub with a long cut starting from the wrist at the end of his forearm, the raw flesh wide open, it is a very, very deep cut, with the blood soaking everything from the white of the pottery, the wood of the floor, the water and Steven. There are more cuts, only horizontal ones, she can' t see his other arm because it was underwater, but she knows there are _more_.

And his eyes, oh, his eyes were half open, lost, cold, _dead_.

He was paler than ever, with dark bags under his eyes, his mouth half open and his lips a little purple. Pearl thinks for a moment it's the loss of blood, until she looks carefully at the floor.

There is a hammer lying somewhere in the room, and many, many pink crystalline fragments. Pearl is slow to process it, until her head screams: _it's his gem, it's his gem, IT'S HIS GEM_. And she could only cry at the realization

She remembers getting up, crossing the whole bathroom quickly to Steven (what was left of him, a body, an empty shell of what once was, but was still Steven), only to end up pulling his body into her arms, and he was so, so cold, Pearl could only cry, and cry with her whole being.

She remembers pulling Steven's soaked body out of the bath, just a dead weight, and sitting against the bath on the wooden floor, getting wet and stained in the process, in his blood, but she didn't care, she just embraced him, pulling him tightly against her chest, trying desperately to do something, trying desperately to get the cold out of his body at least, without success.

With one hand holding his head, and another his back, with his legs extended in the same direction as the bath, Pearl, in tears, could only scream, trying to release the pain in her chest. It ached, it ached as much as that time when she had lost her Diamond, it ached as much as when she had lost Rose, the love of her life.

No, it hurt a lot more than all that put together.

Steven was her child, her little baby, the joy of her life, he was _her_ son, and she could only keep crying, louder, when she remembered the time when he had mistakenly, according to Steven, called her _mom_.

The pain in her chest is strong, and she can only hold him more against her, she can only embrace what is left of her greatest love, of the small and fragile, and strong, and smart, and brave and sweet being that he was.

She feels something breaking inside her more and more every second that passes.

" _Oh, my little boy, please, please, let me wake up and tell me it's just a nightmare, tell me I've fallen asleep somewhere and your smile will be there when I wake up, tell me something, something, please, I'm begging you_ " is what she tries to verbalize, but it's just sounds trying to be words with meaning, and sobs.

She doesn't know how much time she spent like that, with him in her arms, but for Pearl it had felt like an eternity until Garnet and Amethyst had arrived on the scene. One where Pearl had Steven's lifeless body in her arms, sitting on the floor with dozens of gem fragments, his gem, all over the floor, crying as if life depended on it, as if it was going to bring him back. Pearl remembers small fragments of Garnet screaming, demanding answers, and how Amethyst had been the first to react of the three to call Greg.

Oh, Greg.

Greg had arrived later, in total panic, only to empty his stomach by vomiting as soon as he saw what was left of his son. Crying, screaming, completely angry, he knelt in front of Pearl, holding Steven's face in both hands.

After that, it all happened very quickly, and out of nowhere, she was already sitting in the room, staring at nothing until she regained consciousness. From then on, everything happened so, so slowly.

It had hardly been two days since then, which was strange because time had always been something else that just happened, every second was heavy, and now Pearl was in her room in the Temple, sitting on the water with one of Steven's black shirts in her arms, holding it tightly against her chest.

And all she could do was _think_ , everything was so fresh in her mind, and if she let her head get lost she could still smell the blood and hear the sink dripping like a background tune to her crying. Her mind kept repeating it over and over and over again, but as much as she wanted to, she couldn't even cry anymore, the tears had stopped a few hours before.

Pearl could explain the feeling as a void, a hole in her that could never be filled again, as the lack of something irreplaceable, as grief. But, there was also the incessant pain in her chest, one that asked to be released but Pearl simply could not find a way.

Pearl thinks about many things, mostly memories that only make the wound open and bleed more, metaphorically for her. _It wasn't for Steven_ , something tells her in her mind. She breathes in, and lets out a whimper as she breathes out, she wants him back, she wants her baby back.

There's a little, stupid, useless hope deep inside her that tells her that maybe she's asleep, that someone is going to wake her up from her nightmare, and that it would be Steven. She knows it's just a way of trying to make herself feel better, but it only makes her ache more, feeling frustrated, wanting to scream her head off.

Hugging his shirt tightly, she thinks of Steven, of his smile, of his laughter, of the nights when he managed to get them all together to have a jam session, where Pearl sometimes had duets with him or Greg, even with Amethyst, where they laughed and Steven let himself relax, telling jokes here and there, laughing at anything because of Amethyst or his father, with Garnet making comments that made him smile so brightly, so _alive_.

And then, she just feels guilty, because she had lost that forever, because she had wasted years of Steven's life because of a stupid resentment, because she couldn't let go of the past, because she couldn't see that Steven was just that, just him, and yet not so simple because he was so much, he was gentle, he was sweet, he was strong, he was brave, he was talented and he was _her pride_.

Pearl hugs her legs with his shirt between her chest and her legs, lamenting that she has missed so much of his life, wondering what it would have been like if she had been more present, if she had really been his mother, if she had cared for him properly, giving him all the love he really deserved. But it was so late, and she had taken for granted that there was a life ahead of him.

She also thinks about what might have crossed Steven's mind to do what he did, and wonders why she never noticed anything, why none of them noticed anything when there was something wrong with him.

Always in a hurry, stressed out, having trouble sleeping at night, but falling asleep somewhere else during the day, only to be so calm afterwards, as if seeing him that way had been a collective hallucination.

Pearl shakes her head, just to hide her face in the fabric of the shirt, thinking about how she would like to hold him in her arms and hug him, until Steven told her to stop because it was embarrassing and he was already old, she would only laugh because even if he was saying that, he would only hug her back, and then she would notice again how big and tall he was, how he had to bend down a little to hug her and how she could easily sink her face into his neck, smiling while holding him tightly and lovingly.

Pearl would like to be able to tell him how much she loves him, how proud she really is of him, to be able to kiss him on the forehead and run her hand across his cheek like a little caress, smiling warmly at him, and he would simply reply that he loves her too.

Pearl wishes with all her being to leave the Temple, and to see Steven cooking, asking her afterwards if she would like to cook dinner with him, she would even agree to eat with him a little, to talk and laugh at Steven's bad jokes, and Pearl's really bad ones, so much so that they would get a few laughs out of Steven.

But as much as she wanted to do it, she had lost all opportunity, she hadn't done it as much as she should have when he was still there.

She knows that she failed him, she failed Steven horribly, and she feels that the guilt could eat her up at any moment if not the pain first.

Her actions, of all of them, had snatched her son from her arms, and now all that remained was to mourn and weep, to cry for an eternity and the one that would follow. That's when she wonders if she will ever be able to get over it, if she will be able to bear living forever with him in her mind, and it scares her, because she feels that she could forget him, she feels that if she does life will feel good again and she will be failing him again, enjoying something that he cannot anymore.

Steven was never going to return to her arms, or home, and the thought only made her think that if she could, she would give her life again and again for his, to bring him back and for him to live the life he always deserved. A happy one, full of tranquility, perhaps settling down and having children, and then dying of old age, feeling complete, only then, perhaps, could she live well. But there was no way for that to happen.

At least she hopes, if there is anything after death for organic beings, for _Steven_ , that he is well and at peace, resting.

And that reminds her, _the letter_ , she thinks.

Steven had left letters on his nightstand, under his cell phone, and tea cups. She hadn't opened hers yet, and really, she had to accept, she was afraid to. It was the last thing left of him, she was afraid to even think about what she might find inside.

By the time she reacted, she had it in her hands, which were shaking non-stop when she saw her name written in Steven's clean handwriting with black pen on the envelope.

For a moment she looked around, listening carefully to the sound of water falling into the waterfalls in her room, biting her lip slightly, considering whether she really wanted to open it.

And so she did.

Opening the envelope very carefully, she took out a perfectly folded sheet of paper, Pearl hesitated again, then slowly opened the sheet and began to read.

Time seems to stand still for a few minutes, and Pearl feels that she will cry again, which she ends up doing, holding the shirt and letter tightly against her chest. Crying again with all her being, did her child really think that way about himself? Was it that mindset that he had taken with him?

Pearl couldn't have felt more useless at that moment.

* * *

" ** _Pearl,_**

**_I hope that you can forgive me for my decisions one day, but it's the best thing to fix everything. After all, I've been the problem lately, and I'm tired of being it, so I decided to put an end to myself. It's not your fault, if that's what you think, it's just my decision and nobody else's, I was the one who decided my final destiny._ **

**_I just want you to remember the good parts of me, and keep going, I know you'll be fine, I'm sorry you have to go through this again, but if you could get over my mother, who you were with for thousands of years, it will be much easier with me, who was only there for eighteen years._ **

**_There is so much I could say, but I just don't know where to start, maybe I could start by thanking you for taking care of me as much as you could, loving me as much as you did, and this time I want to tell you that you are my mom, Rose will be the one who gave me life, one that I ended up hating and loathing, but you along with my dad, Garnet, Amethyst and Connie did better. You were the one who let me know, at the end of the day, what the love of a true mother was, and you don't know how much I love you and I'm grateful for that._ **

**_Thank you for everything,_ **

**_Your son, Steven._ **"

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that's clear that Steven really thought that his death wouldn't affect *that* much, that they would get over him with ease, with the letter. 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed this little ride.


End file.
